One step forward. Two steps back...

I feel like I'm in a vacuum of sorts. I take a movement forward and then it seems like I am being sucked back further than I was to begin with. I'm fighting to get out of the suction. It wants to suck me back into the black hole I've been struggling to make my way out of. It's so easy for me to let myself slide down the slippery slope. The problem is I sometimes feel like I don't have the energy to even try to make my way out. I still try to be happy even if I am faking it, but it gets tiring sometimes. There are days I just want to be pissed off at the world. Tonight is one of those times. So I came here in hopes that "letting it out" will help. I have so many ideas and so many things I really want to do, but I can't seem to find the energy. My memory is still really bad which makes things difficult too. I make plans or say I'll do something or be somewhere, and then when the time comes, I have no memory of it. I will be sitting here and think of something I need to do, whether it be a phone call or looking something up on the computer, but as soon as I move to do it, I completely forget what I was about to do. Tonight I went to call the eye doctor three times, and as soon as I picked up the laptop to look up their number, I forgot what I was doing and went onto something else. Id finish and put down the computer only to remember a few minutes later that I forgot to look up the eye doctor. Went to do it again and forgot all over again. Finally on the third try I remembered. It's so frustrating. For a week now I knew about a meeting I wanted to attend. Talked about it all day on Sunday with people that were going. Last night I sat home and had dinner and watched TV, completely forgetting about the meeting. Didn't remember until this morning. I swear sometimes if it's not right in front of me, I can't remember anything. All this just adds to my downward slope ride. I think about all I went through this year with my brain surgery only one year after losing my sweet little girl and it just kills me to see where I am at right now. I feel worse off at times than I did last year right after she died. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and keep moving forward, but it's draining me right now. The mind of a mother who has lost a child is of abnormal function. Top that with a brain that doesn't work properly and it can be a disaster. I'm really glad I had the surgery. Hell, I'm walking now instead of riding in a wheelchair. However, I have no feeling on the back of my head, I am very limited with movement of my head and neck, my memory still sucks, I am getting headaches again and to top it all off, I lost my job because of it and now my health insurance too. Blah blah blah. Pity party. I know. Just feeling defeated right now. It's like I'm on that ladder trying to climb out of the black hole, but I almost want to just let go and fall backwards and let it suck me right in. I think I need a drink. I'm not a big drinker, but once in a while, it seems to hit the spot. Of course a little while in a sound proof room screaming my head off might help too. Sometimes this ride really sucks.