One step forward. Two steps back...

I feel like I'm in a vacuum of sorts. I take a movement forward and then it seems like I am being sucked back further than I was to begin with. I'm fighting to get out of the suction. It wants to suck me back into the black hole I've been struggling to make my way out of. It's so easy for me to let myself slide down the slippery slope. The problem is I sometimes feel like I don't have the energy to even try to make my way out. I still try to be happy even if I am faking it, but it gets tiring sometimes. There are days I just want to be pissed off at the world. Tonight is one of those times. So I came here in hopes that "letting it out" will help. I have so many ideas and so many things I really want to do, but I can't seem to find the energy. My memory is still really bad which makes things difficult too. I make plans or say I'll do something or be somewhere, and then when the time comes, I have no memory of it. I will be sitting here and think of something I need to do, whether it be a phone call or looking something up on the computer, but as soon as I move to do it, I completely forget what I was about to do. Tonight I went to call the eye doctor three times, and as soon as I picked up the laptop to look up their number, I forgot what I was doing and went onto something else. Id finish and put down the computer only to remember a few minutes later that I forgot to look up the eye doctor. Went to do it again and forgot all over again. Finally on the third try I remembered. It's so frustrating. For a week now I knew about a meeting I wanted to attend. Talked about it all day on Sunday with people that were going. Last night I sat home and had dinner and watched TV, completely forgetting about the meeting. Didn't remember until this morning. I swear sometimes if it's not right in front of me, I can't remember anything. All this just adds to my downward slope ride. I think about all I went through this year with my brain surgery only one year after losing my sweet little girl and it just kills me to see where I am at right now. I feel worse off at times than I did last year right after she died. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and keep moving forward, but it's draining me right now. The mind of a mother who has lost a child is of abnormal function. Top that with a brain that doesn't work properly and it can be a disaster. I'm really glad I had the surgery. Hell, I'm walking now instead of riding in a wheelchair. However, I have no feeling on the back of my head, I am very limited with movement of my head and neck, my memory still sucks, I am getting headaches again and to top it all off, I lost my job because of it and now my health insurance too. Blah blah blah. Pity party. I know. Just feeling defeated right now. It's like I'm on that ladder trying to climb out of the black hole, but I almost want to just let go and fall backwards and let it suck me right in. I think I need a drink. I'm not a big drinker, but once in a while, it seems to hit the spot. Of course a little while in a sound proof room screaming my head off might help too. Sometimes this ride really sucks.

Choices...

Every day we are given choices. We must make decisions. Some out of habit, like what to eat for breakfast, some on the spur of the moment, like taking off for a day trip to the lake and then there are the choices that are made with a conscious decision. The last one is the one I make every day. When you have suffered a loss, your world can become sad at times. When you have lost a cherished loved one, it can become very dim. When you've lost a child, your world can become a black hole that sucks you in and may not release you. I found myself getting sucked in to that hole despite my efforts to avoid it. It took me by surprise really and I let it take over my life very quickly. Every person goes through different "stages" of grief. For me, I had yet to experience true anger over the death of my baby girl. I don't think I even had dealt with anger over the deaths of my mother or even my brother. They both suffered through cancer and it's effects as well. It all culminated for me in late August. It started and it grew very quickly. Every day, I sat in the house. Unable to drive or go anywhere. If festered and it built and I started exploding at everyone around me. Everything made me mad and everyone paid the price for it. I was not pleasant to be around. I couldn't control it and that made me even angrier. Why? That was exactly it. Why. Why did my daughter have to suffer so much just to be taken away. Why did my mother have to suffer and die just as she was starting to be a grandmother which she so longed to be. Why did my brother suffer and die a horrible death with three young children and a young wife to take care of. Why did God take away three very important people to me. My mom, my brother and finally my baby girl. WHY??? Of course I didn't get my answer. Not really. What I had was my ideas for why. My mother always taught me about suffering here on earth for other souls to be brought to God. I cling to that idea. I witnessed many things I never would have without their illnesses. So this is what I believe. In my own way, with my own thoughts and with my faith in God for everything having a purpose. Did it help me get past my anger? No. What finally helped me was realizing that I had to force myself to feel happy. No. Not force. Choose. I had to choose to be happy. It started with getting myself out of the house. Just for a walk. I was able to breathe in fresh air and boost my energy a bit. It helped. A little. But it wasn't enough. So I started to tell myself I was happy. At first I had to pretend. I actually pretended that my recent life had been a dream. That my daughter was not real. She was a my dream. A nightmare at times, but not real. She never left my thoughts. I just processed the thoughts in a different way. I had to remove myself from them I guess you could say. To not relate to them personally. Like watching a movie. Happiness was coming back to me. Little by little. Then it hit me. I was making a choice. Every moment of every day, I was making a conscious choice to be happy. Choosing how to react to my thoughts. Choosing how to react to what was happening around me. Life is what you make of it. Bad things happen. Good things happen. How you decide to react to it is the key to your happiness. There will be bad days or even weeks. It won't be easy. Those are the times you will really need to be aware of making a choice to be happy. At other times, things will be going ok and it will be easy to choose happiness. You may not even have to think about choosing it. It may just come to you naturally. Here and there, though, you will find that you need to let yourself go. Allow the grief to come. The anger to come. You can't hold it in for too long. It needs to be released. Just remember. There is always a way out of that black hole. None of us are alone. There is always someone there to be there for you. To pick you up or help you along. And there is always a choice. Life is made up of moments. Choose to make as many happy ones as you can.